What's Next? Locusts?

God in his eternal wisdom continues to punish the people of Massachusetts by unleashing floods and blizzards upon the people of North Dakota. Cynics may point out that North Dakota is almost 2,000 miles away, but hey, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

The people of Fargo, well known for their love of wood chippers, have been battling the Red River for the past week. It had become swollen by recent rains and melting snow, but then the temperature plummeted again. Consequently the people were reduced to hauling frozen sandbags to hold the waters at bay. The river crested at record levels over the weekend, and it finally looked like the worst had passed. The people of the city even spent yesterday thanking God for sparing their community.

To prove that He has a sense of humor, God has now unleashed a blizzard upon the area. With the River still well above flood stages, the winds are whipping up waves that are threatening the city's levees and sandbags.

No word on whether the people of Fargo are still thanking God.

Mistakes Were Made

Catholics have long been taught that the Pope is infallible. It thus comes as something of a surprise that Benedict XVIQVC has now admitted to having made "mistakes" in readmitting a previously excommunicated Bishop who has questioned whether the Holocaust ever happened.

This becomes even more confusing when you consider that by readmitting the guy to the fold, Benedict was essentially saying that John Paul II had made a mistake in 1988 when he excommunicated Bishop Richard Williamson in the first place. So either way you look at it, one of the two Popes failed.

Benedict now says that he was unaware of Williamson's background. Critics, on the other hand, point out that all kinds of information about the Bishop and his views on The Holocaust have been long available on the internet. Of course, checking that out would have required going online.

Perhaps the Vatican should finally get a phone line so it sign up for a really cheap dial-up service. An additional benefit would be that priests would find it easier to locate kiddy porn.

But enough with the cheap shots. What makes this story even more hilarious is that Richardson has been living in Argentina, a nation long rumored to be a haven for for ex-NAZI war criminals. But when word of the Bishop's anti-Semitic views got out, the Argentinian government kicked him out of the country.

Out of fairness, it's unclear if Williamson is really a Jew hating NAZI sympathizer. Technically, all he did was question the "historical accuracy" of the Holocaust. Apparently eyewitness accounts, photographs, concentration camps, tattooed arms, mass graves, and industrial size gas chambers aren't sufficient evidence in his mind.

Still, for someone who's so big on historical evidence, it's somewhat surprising that Williamson has no problem believing that that some guy once walked on water, turned water into wine, and rose from the dead.

If God Was a Super Hero

After USAir flight 1549 ended up in the Hudson River last month with no loss of life, there were those elements of society that immediately seized on it as "proof" of God's existence. In the minds of these folks, the fact that there was a veteran pilot with 30 years of experience at the controls had absolutely nothing to do with it. And that's fine. Everyone is entitled to their opinion--which is why I now point to the more recent crash in Buffalo as proof that God does NOT exist.

But getting back to the so-called "Miracle on the Hudson:" If it was truly God who saved those people, then why did He allow the bird strike to happen in the first place? Why didn't He just make the geese disappear BEFORE the plane even hit them? Or does He get some sort of sick pleasure out of scaring the shit out of innocent airline travelers?

So when a reader provided a link to the below comic, I thought it summed up my argument perfectly.

Lousy Targeting Skills

Pope Benedict recently promoted an Austrian pastor who had called Hurricane Katrina God's punishment on New Orleans for the city's tolerance of homosexuality. Apparently those earlier theories suggesting that Katrina was a tropical weather system fueled by warm ocean waters were a bunch of hogwash.

Well, if true, it's another example of God's lousy aim. New Orleans was actually spared the worst of Katrina's fury. Southern Mississippi was much harder hit, with entire communities literally wiped from the face of the Earth. And Mississippi is one of the most conservative states in the U.S. It's downright frightening how religious that state is.

Also, most the homosexuals in New Orleans are concentrated in the French Quarter. Oddly, that section of the city was spared the flooding because it sits on high ground. The people that died were largely the black heterosexuals who lived in the poor neighborhoods outside of the downtown area. Other groups hit hard were the elderly, such as the occupants of that nursing that failed to evacuate its patients. Again, I'm guessing most of them were heterosexuals. And if any of them were gay, well, they were too damn old to do anything about it. So if Katrina was some sort of divine punishment, it apparently targeted the wrong people.

Perhaps this pastor should be glad God doesn't punish child molesters. Otherwise the Vatican would be hit by a hurricane every damn week.

Even I Have My Standards

People sometimes say to me, "Hey, Lugosi, or whatever the hell your real name is, have you ever even read the Bible?"

The answer to that is no. While I enjoy pornography as much as any degenerate pervert, I nonetheless have some standards that I must live up to.

Specifically, I'm referring to the story of Noah. According the good book, the only human survivors of the Great Flood were Noah and his family. That would mean that once the waters receded, they had to resort to incest in order to rebuild the human race. And given the high infant mortality rates of those pre-vaccine days, that means they had to reproduce as often as possible.

I, for one, am too moral to follow the teachings of a book that advocates rampant sexual promiscuity with your immediate relatives.

Where Was He This Time?

Six people have died in the crash of a small plane in West Virginia. The pilot had radioed that he was low on fuel shortly before hitting power lines during a snowstorm.

This tragic event raises some perplexing theological questions: If God was the one who saved the passengers on that USAirways jet in New York a couple of weeks ago, why didn't he save the people on this plane? Why didn't He put more fuel in the gas tank? Why didn't He lift the plane clear of the power lines? Why did He allow the snowstorm to develop knowing that it would lead to the loss of lives? All excellent questions that deserve a well reasoned answer.

Too bad I'm the one to do it.

Personally I believe that God can't be bothered with a measly six lives. Our lord generally adheres to a 100 soul minimum. Plus, the West Virginia crash happened on a Saturday, which further convinces me that He likes to take weekends off, which is why I don't bother going to church on Sundays. What's the point if no one's listening?

Then again, maybe it was just bad timing on the part of the pilot and his passengers. The Super Bowl is today, and God may have been tied up planning a heavenly Super Bowl party.

Weren't the Birds Here First?

The National Transportation Safety Board has released more details on what happened to USScare Flight 1549. The plane was at 3200 feet and doing 250mph when it hit a flock of birds and simultaneously lost power in both engines. At that moment they were still over northern Manhattan and about to pass over The Bronx. The captain immediately lowered the nose of the plane to avoid stalling.

The crew declared a mayday and a controller at LaGuardia told them to turn left and return to the airport. But with zero power, it quickly became clear they weren't going make it all the way back. But with nothing but the crowded areas of New York city and northern Jersey within their reach, they quickly realized they had no alternative except the river.

Meanwhile, a controller asked which runway they wanted to use. The pilot's response? "We're gonna be in the Hudson." Helpful, in case no one on the ground happened to notice a massive Airbus A320 landing in the middle of a river.

One question that some people have raised is why jet engines don't have screens to protect against birds. The problem, according to experts, is that any screen sturdy enough to withstand an impact with a large bird is also going to restrict the airflow to the engine. Also, if the screen should break apart, you would also have chunks of metal flying into the engine in addition to the meat and bone. Says one expert: "It would be like traveling with your own flock of geese."

Meanwhile, some people are viewing the incident as proof that God exists. As I said the other day, that ignores the question of why God let the situation happen in the first place. Why didn't he just make the birds vanish before they actually hit the plane? Was he just not paying attention, and didn't notice what had happened untio it was almost too late? Well, if that's the case, then don't we deserve better service from a deity?

But if you accept that this plane was saved by God, then why do we waste money training pilots? Hell, why not have a drawing at the beginning of every flight to pick someone at random from among the passengers to fly the plane? After all, if God's in charge, nothing bad will happen even if you have a total ninny at the controls. Better yet, why don't we just develop planes that run on "prayer power?" It would eliminate the need for jet fuel AND help the environment!!

But seriously, all this fuss over what happened last Thursday ignores the hidden tragedy: The birds. What about them? They're just flying along, minding their own damn business, following their instincts as they have done for countless millennia, and suddenly a jet airplane rudely interrupts their annual migration. Where was God for them?

Someone owes those poor geese an apology.

If Only the Titanic Had Floated That Well

At first glance it might seem like that plane in the photo is merely sitting in water, but it's not. It's floating.... Like a boat. For me, watching CNN this afternoon, that was the most amazing aspect of today's events in New York. Even as various ships and boats converged on USScareways flight 1549 and began rescuing the plane's passengers, the entire unfolding scene could be seen floating merrily down the river.

In case you missed the story, the plane apparently hit a flock of birds and lost both engines minutes after taking off from LaGuardia. At that point the pilot was still over New York city. He managed to bring the plane around in an apparent effort to return to the airport. But with both engines out, it became clear that wouldn't work and he instead headed for the Hudson River. He cleared the George Washington Bridge and eased the plane into the water. Amazingly, the aircraft stayed in one piece and all 155 people on board made it off alive.

Some people are already calling it the "miracle on the Hudson." Now, I hate to be a skeptic and spoil the fun, but there was nothing miraculous about it. First of all, both engines on the plane were out. If there was indeed some supreme deity at work in all this, why didn't He leave at least one of the engines operational? Better yet, why didn't God simply make the birds vanish moments before the plane hit them? Then we could have avoided the whole damn mess. Or does the Lord's beeper only go off after a major disaster? More importantly, why is God still relying on a beeper? Shouldn't He get himself a Blackberry?

No, the REAL reason this story turned out the way it did was because of the pilot. His name is Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger. He's 58, a former fighter pilot, and has been with USScareways since 1980. Oh, and the best part? Not only does Sullenberger run a consulting business that advises businesses on safety, he teaches a course in catastrophic risk management at the University of California. So if you're going to find yourself stuck on an airliner with zero power over one of the world's biggest cities, he's juat the guy you want at the controls.

According to witnesses, he lifted the nose of the plane just before it hit the water. In doing so, he managed to avoid having one of the wings or engines hit first. Had that happened, it would likely have thrown the plane into an uncontrolled cartwheel. As it turned out, however, it ended up being a regular everyday type landing. Well, except for the part where it was in the middle of a freakin' river.

Nothing divine about that. It's merely the kind of cool thinking under pressure that comes only with age and experience. This is a good time to point out that airline pilots currently face mandatory retirement when they turn 60, regardless of their health. In Sullenberger's case, that's in two years, so expect a renewed debate over the fairness of that rule.

Incidentally, it was 27 years ago this week that an Air Florida plane ended up in the Potomac River with very different results.

Sadly, there is still no word on the condition of the struck birds.